Winner At The Losing Game.

"Have you ever had to love someone that just won't feel the same? Trying to make somebody care for you like I do is like trying to catch the rain and if love really is forever, I'm a winner at the losing game."


Please see above for a description of my love life.


That is all.

No lies.

God answers me via song lyrics. No lies. It's happened before. It happened today. I was all bummed out and sad driving home from a bonfire with a bunch of people I didn't know and feeling awkward about it even now. I often wish I had the natural ability to talk about nothing with complete strangers and somehow make them want to or even become my friend but I DO NOT. I've been in Utah for 1yr and 5months now, do I have any good friends around here? NO, I DO NOT. Rewind....Earlier today I'd been pondering on what to do about my dating situation and while doing who knows what today with my ipod in tow this song came on:

Bright Eyes-Make a Plan to Love Me

I heard you're scheming new pyramids
Another big idea to get you rich
Make a plan to love me sometime soon

You said you had your foot in the door
You buy and you sell, you buy some more
Make a plan to love me sometime soon

Life is too short
Death doesn't ask
It don't owe you that

Some things you lose
You don't get back
So just know what you have

And make a plan to love me sometime soon

Life is Too short
To be a fool
I don't owe you that

Do what you feel
Whatever is cool
But I just have to ask

First you want to ride off into the Sun
Then you want to shoot straight to the Moon
Make a plan to love me sometime soon

When you are young the world is a Ferris Wheer
I know we will grow old it is lovely, still
Make a plan to love me sometime soon

Will you make a plan to love me?
Will you make a plan to love me?
Will you make a plan to love me sometime soon?

And THAT is how i feel about every boy I've ever liked. They need to stop worrying about their careers etc. and just make a friggin plan to love someone. haha. GOSH!

Ok. FF....

So driving home....feeling like crap, missing having friends like MAD, feeling loved and needed. On the way down I was listening to the new Bruno Mars CD. So when I get back in the car its on "Talking to the Moon" It's exactly how I felt:

At night when the stars
light up my room
I sit by myself
Talking to the Moon
Try to get to You
In hopes you're on
the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
Talking to the moon

Do you ever hear me calling?
Cause every night
I'm talking to the moon
Still trying to get to you

In hopes you're on
the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
Talking to the moon

I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away

I specifically had a moment at the bonfire where I stood surrounded by people yet super alone, and i looked up at the stars and just wished for something more in my life. Friends in particular. Then as the ever popular song "Just the way you are" came on, I heard it like i never had before. It was meant for me in that moment. It was the Remix version that starts with this:

1st rule: Never let them change you

2 rule: Do you. To the fullest. Never be ashamed to. You're just good at what they can't do...

"Cause your amazing, just the way you are and when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while, cause girl you're amazing just the way you are."

No lyric to any song has ever hit me so strongly. I KNOW it was more than just the song.

Missed the Boat

Hear it here.


If I had to express my current life situation in the form of a song it would be "Missed the Boat" by Modest Mouse. Why? Lots of reasons. But overall because life throws you "all the way to hell", or so it feels somedays, but "I know this of myself...we carried it all so well." That's it in a nutshell people. But here's my breakdown of it:

While we're on the subject
Could we change the subject now?
I was knocking on your ear's door but you were always out
Looking towards the future
We were begging for the past
Well we knew we had the good things
But those never seemed to last
Oh please just last

--Love the first two lines because these days the subject people want to talk to you about is who you're dating, what you are studying to become, etc. usually that just makes me want to leave the room. Can't we just talk about the weather? haha. Riiiight. Knocking on the door but you're always out. Story of my life. The good things really dont seem to last, how I wish they would.

Everyone's unhappy
Everyone's ashamed
Well we all just got caught looking
At somebody else's page
Well nothing ever went
Quite exactly as we planned
Our ideas held no water
But we used them like a dam

--NOTHING ever goes as planned in my life, my ideas NEVER hold water, BUT you best know that I use them like a dam.

Oh, and we carried it all so well
As if we got a new position
Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell
Saying yes, this is a fine promotion
Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell

--Despite life's trials & disappointments its always good to stay positive and laugh even if it's "all the way to hell"

Of course everyone goes crazy
Over such and such and such
We made ourselves a pillar
We just used it as a crutch
We were certainly uncertain
At least I'm pretty sure I am
Well we didn't need the water
But we just built that good Gosh dam

--Everyone's crazy about something at sometime. Sometimes we build pillars that get in the way it's best if you learn to turn them into a crutch and make the best of it. Yeah thats right, I used that pillar as a crutch! Certainly uncertain, at least I'm pretty sure I am... such a perfect description of me when it comes to making decisions. haha. Sometimes life gives you things you don't need but you learn to build.

Oh, and I know this of myself
I assume as much for other people
Oh, and I know this of myself
We've listened more to life's end gong
Than the sound of life's sweet bliss

--Im not alone in having a day stuck in a funk where you think all you ever hear is life's end gong instead of life's sweet bliss. Enough said.

Was it ever worth it?
Was there all that much to gain?
Well we knew we missed the boat
And we'd already missed the plane
We didn't read the invite
We just dance at our wake
All our favorites were playing
So we could shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

--I know I have moments where I wonder if its worth it, or what is there to even gain? I'm SURE I've missed the boat, and the plane, didnt read the invite, but who cares. I'm gonna dance it off, shake, shake, shake.

Tiny curtains open and we heard the tiny clap of little hands
A tiny man would tell a little joke and get a tiny laugh from all the folks
Sitting drifting around in bubbles and thinking it was us that carried them
When we finally got it figured out that we had truly missed the boat

--Madness. That's all. Just madness. How do you expect to know how to be sane without a little madness in your life? Someday you'll figure it out.

Oh, and we carried it all so well
As if we got a new position
Oh, and we owned all the tools ourselves
But not the skills to make a shelf with
Oh, what useless tools ourselves

--When you figure it out, you're on a mission in a new position, owning it whether you have the skills or not. :) Fake it 'til you make it baby.



Anyways, its a good jam. Love it. Maybe now you can too.

Such a Lonely Place.

I was driving up the canyon around the lake, something I get to do quite often. Usually it's late at night after school downtown or just coming back from playing down in the valley. During the drive I get to thinking. Usually about life, mine in particular. Where I want it to go, or where I am & what I can do to get it to where I want etc. Of course I've got the tunes going. Of course I had another music speaks to heart moment where the song sings my thoughts and feelings. This time it was this one:

Skyline-Court Yard Hounds

What am I doin' here
In such a lonely place?
Birds fly below
I'm high up in my cage

Wide awake again
Or am I dreamin'?
Trains passing by
World's spinning 'round my head

Then I heard a sweet voice cry
Telling me, yeah it's gonna be alright

I just look at the skyline
A million lights are lookin' back at me
And when they shine
I see a place I know I'll find some peace
I just look at the skyline

I used to rush around
To keep busy in the day
Then we'd sit up and drink
We might find something new to say
No, I can't live this way…

But then I heard that sweet voice cry
Telling me, yeah it's gonna be alright

I just look at the skyline
A million lights are lookin' back at me
And when they shine
I see a place I know I'll find some peace
I just look at the skyline

I look at the skyline
A million lights are lookin' back at me
And when they shine
I see a place I know I'll find some peace
I just look at the skyline

What am I doin' here
In such a lonely place?

A lot of times as humans we have those moments where we ask, "What am I even doing here?" or "How is this my life?". Its great to be reminded and feel that everything is going to be alright. Just go and do your best. Look at the skyline, you'll find some peace. I know I did.

Take the time to slow down. Ponder what really matters. Its easy to forget.

Sandee.