Missed the Boat

Hear it here.


If I had to express my current life situation in the form of a song it would be "Missed the Boat" by Modest Mouse. Why? Lots of reasons. But overall because life throws you "all the way to hell", or so it feels somedays, but "I know this of myself...we carried it all so well." That's it in a nutshell people. But here's my breakdown of it:

While we're on the subject
Could we change the subject now?
I was knocking on your ear's door but you were always out
Looking towards the future
We were begging for the past
Well we knew we had the good things
But those never seemed to last
Oh please just last

--Love the first two lines because these days the subject people want to talk to you about is who you're dating, what you are studying to become, etc. usually that just makes me want to leave the room. Can't we just talk about the weather? haha. Riiiight. Knocking on the door but you're always out. Story of my life. The good things really dont seem to last, how I wish they would.

Everyone's unhappy
Everyone's ashamed
Well we all just got caught looking
At somebody else's page
Well nothing ever went
Quite exactly as we planned
Our ideas held no water
But we used them like a dam

--NOTHING ever goes as planned in my life, my ideas NEVER hold water, BUT you best know that I use them like a dam.

Oh, and we carried it all so well
As if we got a new position
Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell
Saying yes, this is a fine promotion
Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell

--Despite life's trials & disappointments its always good to stay positive and laugh even if it's "all the way to hell"

Of course everyone goes crazy
Over such and such and such
We made ourselves a pillar
We just used it as a crutch
We were certainly uncertain
At least I'm pretty sure I am
Well we didn't need the water
But we just built that good Gosh dam

--Everyone's crazy about something at sometime. Sometimes we build pillars that get in the way it's best if you learn to turn them into a crutch and make the best of it. Yeah thats right, I used that pillar as a crutch! Certainly uncertain, at least I'm pretty sure I am... such a perfect description of me when it comes to making decisions. haha. Sometimes life gives you things you don't need but you learn to build.

Oh, and I know this of myself
I assume as much for other people
Oh, and I know this of myself
We've listened more to life's end gong
Than the sound of life's sweet bliss

--Im not alone in having a day stuck in a funk where you think all you ever hear is life's end gong instead of life's sweet bliss. Enough said.

Was it ever worth it?
Was there all that much to gain?
Well we knew we missed the boat
And we'd already missed the plane
We didn't read the invite
We just dance at our wake
All our favorites were playing
So we could shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

--I know I have moments where I wonder if its worth it, or what is there to even gain? I'm SURE I've missed the boat, and the plane, didnt read the invite, but who cares. I'm gonna dance it off, shake, shake, shake.

Tiny curtains open and we heard the tiny clap of little hands
A tiny man would tell a little joke and get a tiny laugh from all the folks
Sitting drifting around in bubbles and thinking it was us that carried them
When we finally got it figured out that we had truly missed the boat

--Madness. That's all. Just madness. How do you expect to know how to be sane without a little madness in your life? Someday you'll figure it out.

Oh, and we carried it all so well
As if we got a new position
Oh, and we owned all the tools ourselves
But not the skills to make a shelf with
Oh, what useless tools ourselves

--When you figure it out, you're on a mission in a new position, owning it whether you have the skills or not. :) Fake it 'til you make it baby.



Anyways, its a good jam. Love it. Maybe now you can too.

Such a Lonely Place.

I was driving up the canyon around the lake, something I get to do quite often. Usually it's late at night after school downtown or just coming back from playing down in the valley. During the drive I get to thinking. Usually about life, mine in particular. Where I want it to go, or where I am & what I can do to get it to where I want etc. Of course I've got the tunes going. Of course I had another music speaks to heart moment where the song sings my thoughts and feelings. This time it was this one:

Skyline-Court Yard Hounds

What am I doin' here
In such a lonely place?
Birds fly below
I'm high up in my cage

Wide awake again
Or am I dreamin'?
Trains passing by
World's spinning 'round my head

Then I heard a sweet voice cry
Telling me, yeah it's gonna be alright

I just look at the skyline
A million lights are lookin' back at me
And when they shine
I see a place I know I'll find some peace
I just look at the skyline

I used to rush around
To keep busy in the day
Then we'd sit up and drink
We might find something new to say
No, I can't live this way…

But then I heard that sweet voice cry
Telling me, yeah it's gonna be alright

I just look at the skyline
A million lights are lookin' back at me
And when they shine
I see a place I know I'll find some peace
I just look at the skyline

I look at the skyline
A million lights are lookin' back at me
And when they shine
I see a place I know I'll find some peace
I just look at the skyline

What am I doin' here
In such a lonely place?

A lot of times as humans we have those moments where we ask, "What am I even doing here?" or "How is this my life?". Its great to be reminded and feel that everything is going to be alright. Just go and do your best. Look at the skyline, you'll find some peace. I know I did.

Take the time to slow down. Ponder what really matters. Its easy to forget.

Sandee.

Love Is Blind & So Am I.

Some days love gets you down. Today was one of those days. As a twenty something single that sort of thing is inevitable, especially if you are me. So, every once in a while when love downs on this girls heart, I do one of two things: eat chocolate or escape in a chick flick. Today, for me, I went to the mattresses, with a movie that is. Surrounded myself with comfiness(a.k.a. a thousand pillows and a fuzzy blankie on my bed) and watched The Holiday. Perhaps it wasn't the greatest of ideas to watch it, but sometimes a movie just speaks exactly what you are feeling or have felt in the past and to hear someone else say it or go through it just makes it all better in some weird way. That's exactly what happened to me today at the very start of the movie when I heard this:

The Holiday Monolouge
written by Nancy Meyers

Iris: I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms. I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

The irony of it all is that I've watched this movie before. Today it just hit home because I've been there in a sense. But she's right you get over it. It just takes time.

I really love this quote: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

So true.

Despite todays "love downs", I am excited for what the future holds for me. I feel like it will be pretty amazing if I've gotten this far. A little waiting never hurt anyone. (Well ok, sometimes it does actually hurt ;) Despite all the waiting and the road bumps, I take great pride in knowing who I am, who I've become thus far and that I have the potential to become even better every day. One day. One step. One breath. One love, at a time.

When all else fails....BELIEVE in yourself.

It's a give & take world. Sometimes you give, sometimes you take, and sometimes you take song lyrics to express your current travels through life...

"I'm quickly finding out I'm not about to break down, not today. I guess I always knew that I had all the strength to make it through...so you see now, now I believe in me."

"You'll get your money. I'll get my friends. Hard living's forgiven in the end...Oh it can get better if you try. You got to give a little love, to get a little love." -Rilo Kylie.

"This is the world that we live in. I feel myself get tired...Bless your body, bless your soul. Pray for peace and self control. I gotta believe its worth it. Without a victory I'm so sanctified and free. Well, maybe I'm just mistaken. Lessons learned & the wheel just keeps turning." -The Killers.

"When you've lost and you've run out of road. Find what I already know. In the end close is all there is. Oh and in the end it's me you're gonna miss. Cause you won't find this. Oh, you wont find this."-Carrie Underwood.

"Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place. If we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday...Holding onto patience wearing thin I can't force these eyes to see the end. If only time flew like a dove.. This time we're not giving up. Let's make it last forever. Screaming "hallelujah". We'll make it last forever. And we've got time on our hands (We've got time) Got nothing but time on our hands." -Paramore.

I've been making some changes in my life lately. Thrown out things I don't need, things that waste my time, things that make me unhealthy or unhappy & I'm determined to be better, to become more amazing, more educated, more kind & most importantly to believe more. Believing in me. :). So far the results have been impressive and I plan to keep it up.

Until next time,

Believe in yourself.

Sandee.

If I Ruled the World...

Somedays you feel inadequate. About life. About becoming something. About fulfilling your potential. Today, this song came on and for one reason or another made it all ok.

Watch it :). It might make your day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EES5kLFFvg

If I ruled the world, Every day would be the first day of spring. Every heart would have a new song to sing, and we'd sing of the joy every morning would bring. If I ruled the world, Every man would be as free as a bird. Every voice would be a voice to be heard, take my word we would treasure each day that occurred. My world would be a beautiful place Where we would weave such wonderful dreams. My world would wear a smile on its face, like the man and the moon has, when the moon beams. If i ruled the world, Every man would see the world was his friend. Yeah There'd be happiness that no man could end, no my friend, not if i ruled the world. Every hand would be held up high, There'd be sunshine in everyones sky. If the day ever dawned, will i rule the world. Every hand would be held up high, Every star would shine in everyones sky. If the day ever dawned, will i rule the world.

Forgive Me Love.

Sometimes when you love people, they dont really LOVE you back & when you discover it, its felt. I mean, you really feel it. Thanks to musical mail from a bff, a good song was brought to light again, but this time later in life & I feel the meaning in the song so much more. What I really love about this song is that it expresses the love still felt for that person even though they are not around, not in your life anymore, or have have done something to prove their unworthiness to you. It's like its saying, "Forgive me for loving you, I still love you". I know I've felt that before in my life & sometimes the best thing to do is soak up the moment, cry all afternoon & then move on.

As always, its more powerful if you actually hear the song. (if you actually watch the video it will make you laugh. please ignore the fairy pics and just listen. haha)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQiiX8KTMOU

Alanis Morissette

"Your House"

I went to your house
Walked up the stairs
I opened your door without ringing the bell
I walked down the hall
Into your room
Where I could smell you
And I shouldn't be here, without permission
I shouldn't be here

Would you forgive me love
If I danced in your shower
Would you forgive me love
If I laid in your bed
Would you forgive me love
If I stay all afternoon

I took off my clothes
Put on your robe
I went through your drawers
And found your cologne
Went down to the den
Found your CD's
And I played your Joni
And I shouldn't stay long, you might be home soon
I shouldn't stay long

Would you forgive me love
If I danced in your shower
Would you forgive me love
If I laid in your bed
Would you forgive me love
If I stay all afternoon

I burned your incense
I ran a bath
I noticed a letter that sat on your desk
It said "Hello love, I love you so love, meet me at midnight"
And no, it wasn't my writing
I'd better go soon
It wasn't my writing

So forgive me love
If I cry in your shower
So forgive me love
For the salt in your bed
So forgive me love
If I cry all afternoon

Anyways, sometimes songs just really hit me. That one did today :). You might not get it, but i do. So much so that I just HAD to blog it. haha. I think what it really is, is that the people in my life right now may be distant for one reason or another, but i love them regardless. All anyone really wants is to be loved. I can only hope that I can be better at expressing/showing it to everyone. Especially when they deserve it the very least. Love is a funny thing. It makes the world go round. Spread the love people. haha. Enough mush and gush already...

So I LOVE my job. Crap, I thought I was done with the lovin'. haha. But really, it makes me happy. Ironically enough, coming from warm desert sun to freezing mountain snow I've adapted & have really enjoyed taking in the beauty of the mountains & the snow. It has strengthened my appreciation for a Creator who loves us & I am truly blessed to experience the beauties of earth every morning as I ride the lift as the sun rises. Sometimes its cloudy or there's fog, but even then its amazing to see it move & change. Sort of like my life. haha. Sometimes its a little unclear as to where I'm going but there's always something to be observed or learned from the change. Gotta love it. Here's a few pics to help visualize what I get to see:

Breaking the Madness

Hi! It's me :) & it's been far far tooooo long since I have updated this bugger. So, here's one in a nutshell:

-Moved to Utah in June-ish

-Miss AZ for various reasons

-Learning to love Utah and its ability to freeze things

-Still adjusting to living in a small town

-Started working at the Park City Mountain Resort which btw is my fave job yet.

-My younger brother just got married & it was an interesting experience for me, brutal yet beautiful.

-Still am sort of just flying by the seat of my pants here as far as what I want to be when I grow up, but I'm happy with there here & now. Honestly that's all that matters to me. Happiness.

Oh AND, I suppose that since it's a new year, I'm going to try and use this a bit more so whoever so pleases can update themselves on my life :).

I shall leave you with a song...

I want someone to love me
For who I am
I want someone to need me
Is that so bad?
I wanna break all the madness
But it's all I have
I want someone to love me
For who I am

Nothing makes sense, nothing makes sense anymore
Nothing is right, nothing is right when you're gone
I'm losing my breath, I'm losing my right to be wrong
I'm frightened to death, I'm frightened that I won't be strong

I want someone to love me
For who I am
I want someone to need me
Is that so bad?
I wanna break all the madness
But it's all I have
I want someone to love me
For who I am

Hey!

I'm shaking it off, I'm shaking off all of the pain.
Breaking my heart, breaking my heart once again

I want someone to love me
For who I am
I want someone to need me
Is that so bad?
I wanna break all the madness
But it's all I have
I want someone to love me
For who I am

I want someone to love me
For who I am
I want someone to need me
Is that so bad?
I wanna break all the madness
But it's all I have
I want someone to love me
For who I am

Yeah, who I am.